


i will be lead wherever i'm destined to go

by KeyKnows



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, KH3 spoilers, M/M, Old Men In Love, Romance, Xehanort is terrible but Eraqus loves him and I love them and here we are, no editing we die like men, post-kh3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-27 08:23:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17763239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeyKnows/pseuds/KeyKnows
Summary: "Oh, we are dead, I assure you," Eraqus says with ease "but who is to tell this isn’t the place where the dead go.""I would imagine hell would be less pleasant," Xehanort says without missing a beat "and I wouldn’t have such good company."After the end, two old friends talk about all they should've said before.





	i will be lead wherever i'm destined to go

**Author's Note:**

> i can't believe that this is the ship that truly sailed in kh3 what a time to be a alive

 

Everything about Eraqus is as he remembers except for his eyes. His eyes look tired and wise and it’s strange to see such a wistful expression in such a young face.

His own face must be just as mismatched he guesses, if he looks as exhausted as he feels.

He looks around the room and it’s like the most powerful time magic has fallen upon it, freezing it in better, simpler, happier days.

The window shows the same multitude of stars in the sky that always fascinated him in his youth; Destiny Islands’ sky was never as full as this: the master said it was because in this ancestral land the line between the worlds was thinner and so one could see them shine in the sky.

The fireplace is dimly lit but the light barely illuminates the room. It doesn’t seem to crackle either.

In the windowsill the chessboard lies as they left it that one time, all of Xehanort's pieces on Eraqus side and the single white piece, the king, standing proudly in the middle. He looks at it and the irony of it all makes him laugh.

It’s bitter and old and it barely fills the ethereal silence of the room.

He walks towards the window and Eraqus follows not far behind: he never, really, left his side.

"Up for a game?" Eraqus asks, good-natured. He takes the white piece and spins it in his fingers, contemplative.

"Really?" Xehanort says "you want to play now?"

Eraqus shrugs, the nonchalant gesture rejuvenating him for a moment.

"What else could we do here?"

To repent it’s the first thing that comes to Xehanort mind, because why else would be he allowed to be here, in the city of his youth alongside his only true friend, if it wasn’t to give him the opportunity to repent.

He knows Eraqus has his own regrets to expiate too.

"I wonder," Xehanort starts, taking a seat at his side on the chessboard and slowly picking the pieces up "why are we here, after all that has happen? We should be dead."

"Oh, we are dead, I assure you," Eraqus answers with ease, taking a seat too "but who is to tell this isn’t the place where the dead go."

"I would imagine hell would be less pleasant," Xehanort says without missing a beat "and I wouldn’t be allowed to have such good company."

Eraqus takes so long to answer, slowly putting the pieces in their place, Xehanort thinks he won’t be saying anything at all, but eventually he does.

"Maybe this isn’t hell." He says, his voice small and unsure, like the idea is not at all of his taste.

"Purgatory then."

"Or none of these things."

"Heaven?" Xehanort offers, his voice almost shaky, almost scared.

Eraqus shrugs and now he looks old.

"I dont know."

And Xehanort has never been happy with not knowing, but where has that take him, anyway.

They say no more and start to play. This is nothing like the matches they use to have before, the game is slow but not because they are taking their time thinking of every move, but because they aren’t paying much attention to it. There’s so much in their minds, so much that needs to be say but what for, Xehanort thinks, they’re dead and it’s been too long to offer apologies he doesn’t feel or to ask for a redemption he doesn’t want. It’s too late for him to try to salvage what they had.

"I always knew I was gonna lose you," Eraqus says suddenly, his eyes on the board. He’s firmly grasping in a fist the only piece he has taken from Xehanort, casually keeping that hand at his chin.

Xehanort doesn’t want to ask at all, but his curiosity can’t never, will never, be sated.

“What do you mean?”

“To the darkness,” Eraqus explains, looking at the board as if he’s thinking very hard about his move, his brow furrowed. It’s not even his turn. “Or to anything else.”

“And what gave you such insight?” Xehanort makes his move and takes one piece from Eraqus. It’s the only one he has taken.

“I don’t know, a lot of things,” Eraqus sighs seeing his piece being taken away, as if he has already lost “you always wanted more, to know more, to see more, to do more…nothing the Master could teach was enough, no number of worlds you visited was enough. I wasn’t enough.”

Xehanort licks his lips and looks away from Eraqus. It’s truth of course, it never was enough and even still, even now that he truly has nothing else, it feels like it won’t ever be enough.

“I think that’s more of a personal failing from me than the Master’s…or yours.” He decides to say after a while.

Eraqus nods.

“Of course,” he complies “but I always felt responsible. I always felt…maybe if I had said something sooner, or if I hadn’t turned a blind eye to your early transgressions, if I had taken my role as Keyblade Master more seriously and taken action against you when I had to, things could’ve been different.”

He makes his move and the piece falls just at the grasp of Xehanort’s next move.

“I always thought,” Eraqus says and his voice breaks and Xehanort doesn’t have the heart to look at him, how selfish of him“I always thought you were going to do the right thing, that I could let you be because you wouldn’t do as far as you did but…but I was wrong.”

“That’s not your fault.” It’s the only consolation Xehanort can offer him.

“I know,” Eraqus says “but I was weak and I couldn’t stop you when I had to. And that it’s my fault.”

“You had faith in me,” Xehanort says making his move and taking Eraqus’ piece.

“I did.”

“You shouldn’t have.”

Eraqus laughs bitterly and rises his face. He looks out the window, the light of the stars falls on his face and his tears shine over his cheeks.

“How could I not?” Eraqus turns with a defiant look, hurt and angry and oh, so tired.

“Eraqus—“ Xehanort calls though he doesn’t know what he’s gonna say. How weird to be at loss of words, now of all the possible times.

“How could I not?” Eraqus interrupts him “How could I not have faith in you when I loved you, when I love you.”

Xehanort doesn’t have anything to say at that. He knows, he has always know Eraqus loves him and before it didn’t matter to him, or he told to himself it didn’t matter: at least it didn’t in the grand scheme of things, while he was chasing feverish dreams of light and darkness, balance, Kingdom Hearts and the coming of the new World.

Does it matter now, that he has nothing else? And if it does he really is a despicable man, caring only for his love now that it’s all he has.

“You shouldn’t,” he says, because is all he can say. Eraqus shouldn’t love him, not before and not now.

“I don’t really have a say in that, unfortunately,” Eraqus sighs and attempts to make his move.

“I guess,” Xehanort reaches for Eraqus’s hand, softly taking it into his “the least I could say is I love you too.”

Eraqus shakes his head.

“You’re incredible,” he mutters and it’s not a compliment but he still squeezes Xehanort’s hand “I know you love me, it just wasn’t enough.”

“It wasn’t.” Xehanort admits.

“You called this place purgatory,” Eraqus starts, still holding the other’s hand even if they’re too far away and the position is awkward “Do you think we are here to repent?”

“I couldn’t imagine any other reasons for us to be here, if we are indeed dead.” Xehanort answers, his eyes over their intertwined hands “What do you think? Why are we here?”

“Maybe there’s no other place for us, after all we have…or haven’t done.”

“So is this our personal afterlife?” Xehanort questions, skeptical.

“Is this not enough, either?” Eraqus says, recriminatory.

Xehanort makes a pause and breaths deeply:

“I think it’s too much.” He says and looks at Eraqus “If this is really our personal afterlife, if this is really the place where we will spend eternity then it’s too much, I don’t deserve to be here, I don’t deserve your friendship or your love but I have it.” He gestures to the room with his unoccupied hand.

Eraqus startles him by letting go of his hand and throwing the chessboard to the ground —the sound still doesn’t fill the room—, and closing the space between them. He takes Xehanort by the shoulders and leans into him. This close Xehanort can clearly see the path of his tears still over his cheeks.

“And do you think I deserve this?” Eraqus asks.

The question is ambiguous because no, Xehanort doesn’t think he deserves being trapped here with him but Eraqus loves him and…and maybe this is what he wants.

“I think I do,” Eraqus says at his lack of answer “I think I deserve to be here and make amends.”

“What could you amend here?”

“All I didn’t do, or didn’t say I think can do it now…can you?”

“I…” Xehanort pauses because he has an answer but it’s not something he wants Eraqus to know, at all, but he has already failed him enough and sincerity is all he can offer “I don’t really regret what I did, any of it.”

That confession should be enough to drive him away but Eraqus still clings to his shoulders.

“I know.” Eraqus whispers and he’s getting slowly closer to him “I know.”

“And don’t you care?”

“I don’t.”

Xehanort swallows, Eraqus is now leaning his head on his shoulder.

“You should. I did you wrong in more than one way, more than one time.”

“I know.”

“And you yet you don’t—”

“Xehanort,” Eraqus calls so impossibly tired “we are dead.”

They are.

“And I told you,” Eraqus continues “I told you I would be at your side, so let me keep the only promise I can keep.”

Xehanort sighs and finally hugs the other back.

“You’re incredible,” he whispers at Eraqus’ ear, he kisses his cheek and the other shivers under the small gesture “let’s keep that promise, then.”

“I mean,” Eraqus says, separating a little to look at him with a sad a smile “what else could we do here.”

Xehanort smiles and kisses him on the lips. What else, indeed.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i didn't like the way the ending tried to redeem Xehanort bc he's a bastard and he doesn't regret anything but that doesn't mean he can't be loved or he can't love, it just means he's a son of a bitch who doesn't deserve redemption but being, or not, deserving of something doesn't mean you won't have it.
> 
> and love is a bitch.
> 
> thanks for reading, every comment will be appreciate! <3


End file.
